No Matter What
As kids, our parents established a few simple rules that we would all follow, no matter the circumstances. One of them was that we’d always have dinner together in the evening, typically around 6pm.
In almost two decades, they never broke that rule. We had dinner on 9/11 and when mom was at the hospital. It’s not always easy.
There’s a nice thing that happens when you have such a golden rule: it has ripple effects. Since we had dinner together every evening, we would always have time to talk about the day. Problems would be uncovered earlier. We would know about each other’s appointments for the next day. It provided structure throughout the rest of the day. It put things into perspective. It grounded us.
- Bad grade at school? Dinner at 6.
- Played computer games all afternoon and lost track of time? Dinner at 6.
- No matter how bad your day was, dinner is always waiting for you.
As a kid, it sounded like one of those “stupid” rules only grown-ups would come up with. And in fact, my parents knew that it was stupid. They did it anyway. As a kid, that made their life look extremely dull and boring. I remember pitying my dad once for being such a slave to society. Yet, they persisted because without it, things would fall apart. Skipping dinner is about way more than skipping dinner.
These Rules Are Simple, But Not Easy
It’s a simple rule with little room for interpretation. However, it’s not easy: there are times when you have to drop something else to make dinner at 6 work. That’s when the rule counts the most! That’s what makes or breaks it.
Following the rule 90% of the time is much easier than following it 100% of the time. You have to make sacrifices. You have to say no sometimes. That’s the price it takes to stick to the rule.
Yes, such rules “sound” stupid, but there’s a deeper, almost stoic realization to it: Life is complicated and will throw obstacles in your way. But if you really want to make progress, you have to find a way. If nothing else helps, make up a stupid rule; and the harder you struggle, the more specific the rule should be.
Dinner. Every day. At 6 o’clock.
Only now am I discovering this for myself. In 2019, I mentioned to my friend Abu that I felt bad for not doing any sports. It’s not that I didn’t try, it’s just that nothing lasted for long. He suggested going for a run together on Tuesdays – no matter what. I thought that was ridiculous. I told him that it couldn’t possibly work. Why Tuesdays of all days!? It felt so random. In my mind, I started negotiating. But there’s no point in negotiating with irrationality. Fast forward 5 years, and I still run every Tuesday.
I actually suck at running. My pace isn’t fast. The distance isn’t far, but it’s a solid effort. Time was made. It worked out. Again, it had positive rippling effects: I ran on Crete in Greece and Sardinia in Italy. Different people joined me on my runs. If Tuesday finds me elsewhere, my running shoes come along. Now, did I always manage to run on a Tuesday? No. It’s not easy! But I always gave it a solid attempt and I can remember each time I didn’t run. Since Abu and I run together a lot, we would talk about our week. If we didn’t make up that rule, we would never have started to know each other on such a deep level.
Some people won’t understand when you tell them that you have to do a thing “no matter what.” Instead of telling them I have to go for a run, I say I’m busy that evening. Nobody ever asks any questions.
Isn’t this just a habit?
With “no matter what” there can be serious consequences. If you have to take care of a loved one, you can’t skip a day. Or if you’re an Air Traffic Controller, failure is not an option.
My stakes are not as high, but I take them very seriously.
“No matter what” rules aren’t habits, at least not in the beginning. They can, however, turn into super strong habits with time.
I found that the best way to implement a “NMW Rule” is to do it on the spot. When my dentist asked me if I floss every day (I didn’t), I made the decision to start right then and there and never skip a day.
Another good way to get started is to take on some lightweight responsibility. For example, I recommend getting plants. Then you have to water them – no matter what.
If the plant dries out, you broke the rule; simple as that. The great thing is that the watering interval is usually pretty low, so there’s time to get used to it (but getting used to it you must).
If it works, you’ll enjoy the feeling of continuity. It’s like a chain of good deeds. A new habit is born.
In the past, I never had any plants. Now our apartment is full of them. I love the companionship and the continuity.
What’s your “NMW”?
If you already have a “no matter what” rule, you have my deepest respect.
If not, whether you want to write that book, run that marathon, or just save a few bucks each month, make it work – no matter what.